Dusty Door Handles ...

im fucking lonley

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 18:00:20 GMT

changed my mind. i dont give a damn.

Wed, 04 May 2005 02:19:16 GMT

The Billboard beginning

Made artificial eyes burn

Their laughs containing words

Complete and Faulty ------- Another empty window.

Lost

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 03:50:18 GMT

You would Like me,
          Sleeping with thoughts not safe
Still such lifeless tears
   Were said too soften the cold music.

                                I haven't Land .............. You're My eyes.

wah lol

Sat, 09 Apr 2005 20:30:15 GMT

lost in my soul, where have you gone

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 03:16:29 GMT

I sometimes find I've lost all hope
I just roll over . . . and play dead
                    because I sometimes find it may NOT be worth the fight
Not to live, not even to love
                    but just to be alive in a world -- where everyone is already dead around you
how can I sit and wait and watch and ...

Alone at the light I waited for the sign
And when it came I never saw it
                   Because I was watching the old man cross the street In the Dead of night.

And when its silent and dark tears begin to form
and my jaw feels compelled to make a movement to scream and to cry and to barricade myself in my own noises.
And when I sat in my car on the side of the road with that song on repeat
I felt allowed to cower in my self pity

I was trapped but for that moment I was also free
I should have turned around and went home but instead I kept driving
                I ended up in a place where I didn't belong.
                                  Because inside the door of that room I felt worse.
My tears would no longer form in my eyes and my jaw was compelled to keep itself shut
And my freedom was gone in the instant of uncertainty

It's the moments like this where I lose who I am in all of my fear.
I'm a poser in a place where no one wants me to be
I should go back to my 'true' self who doesnt 'truly' exist
          But she does to you, she is what you see
Cause you've hurt her so much shes turned of
every other person she is inside cause its vulnerable

but in the dead of the night
Alone in my car we meet up and reminisce
about when we could face the world together

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 04:51:42 GMT

I feel liek a rant but quit fankly... im pathetic and since id just be yellign at myself anyways,.... WHY post it .

Sometmes i just wanna be someone else. Or go back a choose a diffrent path.
"its not to late"
ah but it is.

SOooooooo maybe Ill make a change but my pathetic dependant nature prolly wont allow it and i will just suffer forever unwillignt o face my true feelings about anything. I just look back on some parts of my life and ... I feel like such a jerk.

wander in the darkness.

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 04:56:07 GMT

Some                 Remember
            Some                     forget

                For standing with death
Was nothing diffrent...

Some small names

             Distinctly                              sound
                                        Soft

But        Life       For          Each           will --not-- be found.

One of those things you knwo is going nowhere.

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 17:31:39 GMT

Rain -- wears patience,
                Like kindness stains the soul.
                                    As beauty becomes the end
                                                        to timeless night

So that opaque, twilight phantom -- might pass -- Beyond dreams, Into Truth.

blues and reds

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 06:33:46 GMT

Transparent Dialect of pleading voices--
        Searching amidst solitary echos~
    There upon the sea I found that nameless book;
It hangs draped in blue ribbon
                                                                Secrets dance revealing ivory wings
                                        Suddenly the unshattered current breaks
             And the delicate breeze catches the falling silence.

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 02:15:06 GMT

Grey Eyes Drifted ~~~
Shimmering across >>> misty waters
Your delicous Rhythm began swirling Downward ''''''''
//// From Laughter surfaced desire. \\\\

long time

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 17:54:21 GMT

My newest Hangout, the library. funny thing, as a child i used to dream about sitting in the library for hours on end studying. aspiring to be somthing great. And sure enough although sleepy i love to sit int he library, int he quiet, in a nice chair and study. lol im such a freakin dork. Now sitting in class thats a diffrent story. i dunno why but somthing about it just makes me figity. like i have a.d.d .

I quit papa Johns ^^ Damn new manager decided to freak out and take out his women beatin side on me, and out came my claws. He got to see a side of me he prolly didnt think i had. Well hes fired, . . . what a psyco. And as for me I let them now 5.70 and hour wouldnt suport my edu. and put in my two weeks. On to bigger and better things. fo sheasy.

yeha back to essy lovin

<3

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 09:42:22 GMT

WOw long time no post eh.

Tongiht i feel liek I've lost somthing. I'm not sure what it is... not yet. But i feel my self colapsing repetidly. No literally in a physical way... but my insides. As I mindlessly slap up skins form pizza I suddenly visualize myself in a deady colapsing moment. the the hollow inside me has finally caught up. But i Don't know. In all honesty I dont know. but at the saem time there is lots of things I have lost latley... And more that i have thrown away.

::sigh::

And I just hope ... ah nvm.

I hate when i call ppl and start to think they have dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe not cause im worried about us not having a relationship.. but more of a jelous factor. WTF do you get to be strong enough to drope of the face of my earth and i cannot. Sometiems i just wihs i was special... or that i coudl at least make a diffrence for someone. Im so useless. Ill just let this nice lump in my breast eat me alive. Im not really bitter as i sound. Just needy tonight i spose.

If you look for the meaning to life
you will surely find one.
Answers are easy to come by and are usualy temporary,
while it is more difficult because of the constant attention it requires.
It is far more fullfilling to live life...
...as a question... -Unknown.

I don't know anymore, I pehapes I never really did.

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 19:21:20 GMT

Who am I? Pieces of you? Pieces of society? But who am I? Can I ever be trully myself? I find myself saying things I heard another person say. so if it's not somthing I'd say why do I say it? and if i say nothing that isnt a tuly origional thought of my own will I ever speak a word? These things make me sad. I want to be me, without your words and your goofy idiosyncracies, but I don't know what are my own. And thus I find myself beleiving thus I am... Nothing.

Latley I been studying Nietzsche in one of my classes and as I begin to look deper into who he was and what he wrote of I find myself studying The Overman. And now, i'm frusterated because everything the overman seems to be, is what we as ppl should strive to be, and greatly resembles the philosophy we students experienced in Mr. X's class. A man who refuses to beleive Good/Bad by rejecting Noble's morality but also rejects christian morality of Good/Evil. A person with destinctive triats, those of : Strength and resilience. those who are intellectually adventurous. those who demand harshly of themselves. The Overman must be willing to accept that all of his/her conviction may infact in the end be false. (I can go into more detail about the overman another time but it doesnt really matter to u).

And now I have questions for ppl. questions I never even thought to ask you and questions you won't be able to truly answer. questions i am strugling to find the answer to. "Why" becomes my primary focus. And "why" is driving me to silence.

"You are What you know." - Socrates

Broken Branches

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 14:04:02 GMT

Horror rained out from her lungs as she watched herself be pulled into the ocean. The world was blue and brown and mysterious.
The red glowing eyes from beneath the sand revealed her every fear.
Every part of herself she did not know and all that she refused to except.
The beasts on the shore warned her not to return to solid ground but suspended on the waves by the string tired around her she hung like a branch on destruction's tree, fearing for her life.
She screamed so loud, so high, that none of normal strength could hear.
A man, stormed down from the mountains, like a prince on a horse he ran on foot; reconizing the scream of true agony. Only he could hear the pain cascading from her lips.
Down from the top of the bloody waves she was cut loose from the tree. She tried to express her gratitude but all she could do was cry and reach out. He shook her hand and urged her to safer ground.
She learned so much.
And she knew nothing.

~And this was my dream.~

Lucky eh

Sun, 29 Aug 2004 16:42:25 GMT

this used to have a pic here that said "if you woke up breathing again this morning, congratulations u have another chance."

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 06:27:29 GMT

At the moment I feel very strong. Both physically and mentaly and even emotionally. And It feels really good. In this moment I feel like saying "Get the hell out of my life" to a selt few people. And I think that maybe why I'v been feeling so angry latley. And i havn't let it out, becaus emy strength comes and goes in fleeting moments like this one. As a child I used to write all the things I wish I coudl have said to someone after It was to late and I had held my tounge for one reason or another. Why I hold my tounge these days I'm not really sure, because I don't have to take your shit no matter who the hell you are. In this moment I'd liek to write everything I feel about you. And the way you treat me and ppl I care about. And even when I say these things it doesnt mean i love you anyless then i always have or ever will, I just feel them on top of my love. And they become heavy after to long. Someday I'll scream these things I pull my hair out over to your face and you'' understand how you really hurt ppl, becaus eyou'll feel in in my eyes, as I realize now I felt once in yours.

EDIT: I HAVE ERASED SOME UH.. UN-NEEDED EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE.

Gah you figure it out.

Sun, 22 Aug 2004 05:43:13 GMT

Across moonlight Kisses
Through passing desperation
She twitches ↔ gently
holding seamless will // power \\
Her coppery eyes
Smooth his Skin
Tugging away ║knotted║ Desire
Across nights balcony
Lips taste Soft smiles
Binded threads rearrange
☼☼ And Desperate fingertips caress marble walls.☼☼

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 21:54:36 GMT

If you decided
To let it go
Where would it run off to?

If I told you
I was sick of it all
Would you Know what All was?

If the day
Became night to soon
Why would you curse the sun in the morning?

And If it falls >>through<< the floor
What catches it --
Where would it end?

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 13:11:38 GMT

I've been angry latley uncontrollably angry. Not outwardly, and not directed towards anyone. But it's begining to take it's toll on my insides. I can feel my body broiling deep down when something happens that i don't like or i begin to think about somthing that might annoy me. Few weeks ago when i became irritated or upset iI might have lashed out, but latley I guess more or less I just don't have the energy. So when I get angry I close my eyes and bite my lip and try to breath deep, but ppl are begining to become distraught by my coldness. I want it to go away but I don't know what it is thats making me so upset all the time. Yesterday I was unconditionally releived form it however. I successfully went through a whole school day and then spent a few hours with zek without feeling annoyed or angry. So yay.

I had a dream that I volunteered Zek to be the captain of a ship that was gonna go out to sea, but I had to cancel it at the last second because he didn't know how to sail a boat. Then we went out on another ship and we shot down by non other then the silvana from last exile but I used my magic powers to calmt he silvanas captain and call back the missiles. We all floated to the surface after doging the missles for a bit and I was awoken by the fear I'd be late for class. (30 min b4 my alarm went off mind you).

And I've noticed that I've slept int he same bed with zek for so long that I have a hard time falling asleep when I sleep at home. I'ts unfortunate wheni have early classes the next morning.

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 02:54:38 GMT

No matter hwo much anxiety, a room full of freshmen really made my day. The way i see it ill be consummed with the folowing elements for the next few years in order to get the career I like. And as I told tia today : "gimmi a gun a trenchcoat and a casefile and I'm the happiest woman you'd meet. " So basicly:

Language study (spanish would be easiest for me but i was htinking japanese so i could eventually do some work over seas)

Some type of defensive art like, um excuse my spelling, Ju jitsu or so.

And Im thinking a few political sciences

My major is sociology/criminology type pretty sure its the right path

And as for science KEEP THAT SHIT OUTA MY FACE HOME FRY!

well I had a fun day tomarrow im field trippin it ot the el paso jail, and uh i got some really cool books to read. College aint so bad so far. :) this is a sucky entry, i just thought I'd put it up if anyone cares what i plan to be "when i grow up"

OOOOOH and this made my night.
X demiskus X (8:38:14 PM): are you gonna join a sorority?
StarburstTigres (8:39:19 PM): LOL
StarburstTigres (8:39:23 PM): LOLOLOLOLOLOL
StarburstTigres (8:39:28 PM): ME ?
X demiskus X (8:39:32 PM): lol
StarburstTigres (8:39:38 PM): CAN YOU SEE MEE IN A SORORITY?!
X demiskus X (8:39:38 PM): my bad XD
StarburstTigres (8:39:41 PM): HAHA
X demiskus X (8:39:51 PM): um *tab key*
StarburstTigres (8:40:05 PM): UNLESS I WAS THERE TO SMACK THE GIRLS AND TELL THEM THEY MADE ME WANNA VOMIT ON MYSELF, THEN ID BE QUIT USLESS
X demiskus X (8:40:17 PM): =)

You know like totally!

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 03:37:59 GMT

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!!

Moments like this I wonder why sometimes people wont just slap me and ask me if I understand how stupid I am. I have a problem. And I need to fix it. Or at least accept it.

and so I need to be alone once in a while too.

And lately when i think back over the last week all I can do is slap my self in the face and I begin to laugh without knowing it. I even caught my self saying out loud, "wow what the hell is my problem".

Maybe if i slap myself enough I'll stop doing those things I hate myself for doing so much.

And he thought he was a joke.

Dear you [me]

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 04:52:30 GMT

I forgot the way it felt to feel awkward around you, even though I promised everything would be normal... I had forgoten that Normal WAS awkward. And now I want it to be back the way it was that one time when I actually beleived I could say and do anything I wanted and you wouldnt object or tell me I was doing somthing I shouldn't. that one time when your arm around me actually felt like more then "I hope your ok". And now.. now that it's back to normal I can sit a comfortable distance from you and wonder what your thinking and wish that I could make you talk. But if I could make you talk... you'd say things I never wanted to hear come from your mouth... not really... things your not allowed to say to me... forboden things... or maybe the opossite... they would be the awkward feeling things... the "your so sweet but thats about it" things... and all of them I never want to hear no matter the feeling. Because you mess up my comfy Life. My not so perfect but not so awful life. So I can convince myself I'm better of with silent awkwardness when I see you... Because I really am happy without anymore then what I have ever had with you in the past, and I love the way things are in the part of my life that has yet to involve you. And even though I can wonder what it would be like if it did involve you, deep down I'm not even sure if I'd want it that way. And someday I wont have a choice cause the truth will come out and you might be all I have left, Unless things have changed btwn us too. But I'm not ready for that yet. Though I deserve much worse for just the thoughts I've had that would hurt so many other people. And the funniest thing about all of this is, Your reading it and you probably are wondering who I'm talking about and are begining to turn red because now you know I know you are. except for 1 thing. You knew I was tlkaing about you this whole time. you just are hoping it is another person. Well it's not. and it's ok. Because this isn't realy for you anyways. So now I leave with the conflict i have inside me. I have these feelings these questions these various "what if's" and then my comfort zone tells me, "Don't be stupid, you'll risk it all, darling, its just not worth it". But What if it was. And if you told me it was- would I take the chance. You would know before you told me. But would you, would you want to take the risk that i would take the risk. So i convince myself I wouldn't because I love what we have and I love what the other we in my life has and I love having dreams. And this way i can stop wondering. Because I can convince myself it wouldnt matter anyway. So how come when I close my eyes, or stare off into space, I see your brilliant eyes staring into myn like they did that night where I didn't feel awkward for once. Those eyes I photographed into my permanent memory because most of me relized i would never see them in that way ever ever ever again. And thats ok. because I will never forget those brilliant eyes staring into myn... and even then I didn't understand what they meant. i felt beckoned to you by them but Now when i remember how it looked, sad but happy all at the same time. And they were askign me so many questions i never had enough time to answer them all. and you never whispered a word to me from your lips, but all from your eyes. And today perhapes I've realized, yes not only was there sadness and happyness and longingness and curiousness and amazment... more... it was all of them. because you felt what i felt in that moment. And you were never so confused in your life. And all of your emotions realized or other wise peirced my heart and my memory and thats the reason i can see it so well. but they have blinded me. because its not the image so much as the emotion, you left a scar, yes. And It doesnt change the awkwardness at all or the relationship we have. only thing it really changed was my sleep patterns. And I'll never be more to you then I am at this moment. And I don't mind how we are at this moment. Because I think like my comfy life. At least for a while. Or maybe just until you request otherwise. I'll never look you in the eye's again, for I fear that emotion that you hide so well. tick tick tick my dear. I can see you working out a scape goat for yourself. But dont confuse yourself. I am happy. And I know someday the awkwardness will go away again in one way or another.

I make me laugh. I love writing about nothing and having it sound like so much more. simple is good.

AwkwardevenalonewithmyselfIoftenwonderthesethings

Screw you clown? - I think Not

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 05:38:35 GMT

I got to see You almost everyday this last week. You spoiled me. And i love you for it but i wish you hadn't. Cause now i'm missing you more then i would have. I miss the way you looked at me like you were gonna die from shock when i thought you didn't like Nickelcreek, or the way you always made me decide if we were gonna call certain ppl. The way you always make me feel special even when we are surrounded bye 20 people. but mostly i miss the way you'd wrap your arm around me down town when we walked by ol' scarry men who might want a nice hunk o Kat-meat.

Newayz, Missing you Meg.

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 19:30:27 GMT

So I had this dream:

I was hanging out with megan in my garage (she was wearing mostly green but with a yellowis tint) and matt decided to come over to go for a walk. I invited Meg to go but she resisted. Matt showed up looking somewhat like eminem in one of those white head rags, a big white see through shirt with a black number 7 on it, and nice baggy white pants. He had for some reason unknown to me brought his mother with him. Matt then asked me "do you still have that cake, with the bannana cream filling?" to which I replied that I would have a look. We we got into my kitchen his mother sat down at the kitchen table while my dad did the bills in the dinning room. I looked int he cake box where I found 3 diffrent kinds of cake (about 1/3 of a whole cake per kind). One had chocolate sprinkles, one was another flavpr of chocolate that I dont remember and the last one was white cake with bannana cream filling. When I sat the box with the cake in it on the counter there was 2 spiders on the counter as well. one white. one black. they apeared as though they were dancing in circles. when I watched them I thought maybe they were simply stuck in a small drop of water and were moving exactlyt he same way in order to escape. I watched them dance sincronized for a moment, and then I pulled a peice of cardboard out of the cake box and killed the spiders. I watched a leg of one of them continue to move and then threw them into the garbage.

Then I woke up.

I been doing alot more reading on dreams the last few days. And focusing on deep breathing and such before bed to help my self remember and awaken after dreams. It seems to finally be working. Now if I could just peice this dream together with my waking life.

My abs still hurt from laughing.

Thu, 12 Aug 2004 10:28:55 GMT

So I was thinking...

Wow.

If I wasn't me, I'd totally date myself.

And that my friend is totally worth a good laugh.

====== >>>>

Kind of like Mike's going away party.

Cause wow,

"... 'LOL question mark.'"

"W.T.F man"

And no one got a penis in the eye ::wipes sweat from brow::

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Your name:	Cast_me_gently
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